Chapter 11: My past
I finally felt at peace.
I felt secure.
The darkness I welcomed with open arms was my security.
I felt whole.
But alas, it wasn’t going to last, after all I had to face reality at some point. My senses returned to me slowly, bit- by bit and I heard snippets of conversations, whispers, shouting, crying, arguing and none of it made sense. Why were they disturbing me? More importantly what had just happened? Along with my senses the pain also returned in my head but instead of it returning slowly, the pain returned with such force I felt as if I was going to pass out again. I also felt sick.
I began to remember, the wedding, the dance, Rehan, my father and my chosen groom. My chosen groom. NO! My eyes flew open and I gasped and in the process I bolted up right, my body was covered in a fine sheen of sweat and my limbs felt numb. No. No. No, this couldn’t be happening! It was a bad dream and I was going to wake up any time soon.
So why wasn’t I waking up?
A sob left my mouth and everyone swivelled their heads and focussed their attention on me but that was the least of my problems. My eyes sought out my tormentor, the man of my nightmares and my heart plunged into my churning stomach. He smiled slyly at me. He had won and once again I had lost. No this couldn’t be happening! He stared at me lustfully, his eyes showing naked lust and desire.
My hands became clammy and shivers ran up and down my spine. My empty stomach began to heave as nausea hit me and I thankfully grabbed the bucket that was shoved under my nose by Ruksana and emptied what little content there was in my stomach. My brothers’ and Adam rushed towards me and Adam gently brushed my hair out of my face and held t back while I threw up in the bucket. I didn’t care. I was still numb in shock. I looked up at him and my eyes welled up as I saw the pain and concern flash in his eyes, as his eyes met mine. Adnan sat beside me in the small room and rubbed my back, thankfully my brothers had enough sense to shift me into a small private room away from the hawk like attention of the members of our community and family.
Lyba gave me a glass of water and I rinsed my mouth and spit it into the bucket, it was then I realised the attention I was getting. “I’m sorry Husna,” I croaked as I saw her stood there, her face etched with pain and worry, she shook her head at me and sat down beside me and patted my face. “Don’t be babe, you haven’t done anything to apologise for, there are those who have wronged and they haven’t had the sense to apologise, but you don’t need to apologise,” she whispered as she stroked my hair. Her words had a double meaning only the three of us could understand, I gave her a watery smile and nodded my head at her and hugged her tight. Tears threatened to spill but I kept them in check, there was no way I was giving him the satisfaction of thinking he had won. When hell freezes over.
Ruksana stood further back, her eyes trained on Rehan, she wore a scowl on her face and openly glared, she turned after sensing my gaze on her and gave me a small reassuring smile. From the corner of my eye I saw my brothers and Adam glance at each other worriedly, communicating through gestures, the sinking feeling returned after I realised I had to explain why I fainted. I wasn’t ready to tell them of my past and pain or about my tormentor. Rehan.
I can still remember it like it was yesterday.
I can remember what he did to me.
I can remember the pain.
I can remember the betrayal.
I can feel the physical and emotional wounds he inflicted without mercy.
He was the reason why I swore off men.
Adnan had moved out of dad’s house before his marriage, he didn’t get on with dad and their constant fights were wearing him down so he decided to move. It was in everyone’s best interest and he had decided that I would live him. I agreed and I excitedly packed my bags and shifted to his house after his wedding. Lyba had welcomed me with open arms, she was like a big sister and a mother and I had gotten really close to her. A few weeks later Lyba announced her brother was going to stay it hadn’t really bothered me although I was hoping he was good looking. Which he was.
Rehan arrived and as soon as I saw him I fell head over heels for him, he was good looking and I got tongue tied around him like a star struck teenage girl. It was embarrassing but he never made me feel embarrassed. He was sweet, caring, funny and lavished me with attention.
“Look what I got for the princess!” he announced as he sat beside me on my bed, leaning against the head board and grinning from ear to ear. I squealed with excitement as I saw the present in his hands, gift wrapped in my favourite colour- purple. “Lemme see!” I exclaimed as I removed my glasses, he shook his head and moved the present out of my reach. I jumped forward and tried to snatch it from his grasp effectively landing on his lap. I grabbed his present not realising he was staring at me with a new emotion. Lust.
“What is it?” I naïvely asked as I examined the gift wrapped present, he didn’t respond and naïve me hadn’t clicked on to the tension in the room. I looked up at him waiting for an answer and literally jumped as if I had been bitten on the backside when I saw the lust in his eyes, putting as much distance as I could between the two of us. He shook his head and smiled at me. “Open it,” he said simply and I eagerly obliged, gasping as I saw the purple A4 notebook, with a purple Indian material cover, the pages were thick and a creamy colour. The book itself was purple. Wow. It looked expensive and I refused but Rehan persuaded me to keep it.
I should have realised then. But I was naïve and I had to learn the hard way.
The attraction between us grew, so did his attention and the amount of gifts he gave me, I was on cloud nine and I couldn’t be more happy but he had told me to keep this hidden from my brothers and his sister. The only people who knew were Husna and Ruksana, both were wary but happy I found someone who cared for me. A few months later, in the evening Adnan and Lyba had to go see her dad because he was ill and he wanted to see her, Rahim had gone out with some friends and so had Rehan. I was home alone and called over Husna and Ruksana to stay the night both agreed. I was alone so I decided that covering up wasn’t really necessary so I wore my vest top and shorts and donned a silk night gown when I heard a knock. Thinking it was them I rushed down and without asking opened the door. Naïve me.
Rehan was stood there, the lust clear on his face as he looked at me from head to toe, but something was off he seemed different. “I’m leaving tonight” he whispered as he walked in steadily, slowly his eyes fixed on me- almost animalistic. I nodded, my stomach was jittery, I was nervous I felt as if something bad was going to happen. I moved back as he moved forward. “Oh, what a shame,” I croaked, “I hope to see you soon” I stuttered and then turned to go upstairs and change, I felt bare around him and uncomfortable.
But it seemed he had other ideas, his hand latched onto my arm as I moved to go upstairs, and he pulled me back. I let out a whimper as his grip on my arm tightened. What was he doing! He wouldn’t hurt me would he? I thought to myself as he pulled me back and my back connected to his chest, his other arm snaked around my stomach trapping me. I gulped and began to struggle. “You’ve been tormenting me all these months, aren’t you going to give me a goodbye present?” he whispered in my ear, I shivered feeling sick to the core and my struggling became more intense. He grabbed me by the hair and pulled my head back, “listen bitch I want you and I will have you, so stop struggling” he whispered and began to shed my clothes, I struggled and begged but he wouldn’t listen.
Then he used me, he used my body for his pleasure. I sobbed. I screamed. In the process I hit a vase and cut my arm on one of the pieces. He finished and thanked me, then got up and went to his room, leaving my in the hallway, on the ground, numb from the abuse, pain and shocked. He returned with his bags after a while and told me he would always remember me and gave me one last kiss before walking over me and out of my life. I heard his car leave, then another pull up. He hadn’t locked the door and I heard screams as I lay on the floor.
Husna and Ruksana rushed over to me, shocked at my plight.
I had been raped.
By Rehan.
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